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bit melodramatic last night. i wont be doing anything. i'll keep fighting. by killing myself i'm only spiting myself not anyone else, they wont know they were the straw that broke the camels back. no, be pro-active, show them fuck you in another way. fuck you, i want help and i'm gonna demand it.
i realise i havent posted here in over a month and my last post was pretty gloomy. oops. i'm ok. been a few bad times, few overdoses, but overall i'm fine. i'm gettin overnight leaves and stuff now which is really good. i'm all healthy
got myself some real bad thoughts going on right now. gotta ride them out, try not to do anything.
mmm interesting week. have ended up in a and e twice. once accident second over reaction from staff. so again i'm back to escorted walks. seein pyschologist tommoro. she wantwed me to be self harm free for two weeks, and if id have kept my mputh shut noone would be any the wiser
i'm six stone :-)

there was stuff i was gonna write but i cant put it into words. hmm. need to tell someone.
i'm not liking this. the stuff i gave to my pyschologist to read is now in my notes, there for anyone to read. I cant take that. i dont know whos read it. it was very intimate stuff. i know its good to share and all that crap, but i want to be able to choose in my own time when to share things and who to share them with. i'm just gonna be really paranoid now. everyone knows. feel far too exposed.
have put .7kg on, good good, bmi 15.3. didnt talk about the stuff yesterday, she hadnt read it. she has now. saw her this morning. just have to remember shes not gonna think of me any differently apparently. it dont feel like that though
hmm not feeling too good today. got appt with psychologist. i know what we'll be talking about and i'm not sure i'm ready for it. i want to just get it over and done with but it just feels so wrong to talk about. scared.
stupid journal, have to try so many ways to get in where it isnt blocked. well i'm in. my two worlds seem to be colliding. its just weird. i've always been able to separate family then and family now situations. but its all rolling into one. i'm in total avoidance mode but better get out of it for tommorow, need to do this work. my head is gonna be totally mashed tommorow, its a busy day. i need to identify my triggers, i dont know what they are, cant think of any! meh. been having a good few days cos i've been able to manage things my way, but not anymore have been discovered, i swear they are mind readers here

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October 2007


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